2/4/16

Why Common Sense Never Prevails

Her: "I hate it when I have to reach into a sink full of dirty dishes to find and wash one thing so I can finish cooking a meal."

Him: "Well don't put the dirty dishes in the sink until you're ready to wash them."

A few hours later...

Him: "Move over Rover, I'm sleeping with you again tonight. No, I don't know why she's angry. Now try and keep your fleas to yourself."


And so once again a perfectly common sense solution to a problem we all face is rejected and a man is forced to pay the price. Good luck, young men, the world is a hard place and you will no doubt pay the price for having been born with common sense. Me? I'm old, alone and just made sure I've no prospects.


1/26/16

Hole In The Wall

I used to deliver to Marshall's Department Stores in malls and shopping centers all over the country. I was one of about 300 drivers working for a company called Keyway Transport, now known as Cowan Transportation. Almost none of the stores had actual loading docks so when I arrived I had to back to a walk in door, climb into the trailer and carry everything to the rear of the trailer.

At other Marshalls stores there were holes in the wall in which they pushed rollers through for me to roll the boxes into the store. I could always fill the line faster than they could get it off.

Of course, everybody wants everything done yesterday so some big wheel at Marshalls decided their stores needed loading docks. Seemed like a good idea.

I arrived at one of several Dallas, Texas area stores to find a brand new loading dock where there had never been one before thinking, man this is great!

I gently backed my trailer to the dock just lightly bumping the rubber bumpers and... The entire wall caved in! The whole freaking cinder-block wall!

I couldn't believe it. I had been bumping docks for well over a decade and never had I ever heard of such a thing.. Someone pulled the fire alarm, the sprinklers came on, folks up front thought the building had exploded.

Police, fire and EMS all came rushing out and searched through the rubble, amazingly no one was hurt. I decided I should call my dispatcher and report the accident. When he picked up the phone he said, "Jones, don't tell me you knocked down the wall too."

Turns out they had cut holes in single layer 8" cinder-block walls, installed roll up doors, dock bumpers and nothing more. And I was one of several to find out the hard way.

1/19/16

Whatever Happened To Tact?

No one has tact these days. For example: some years ago I was dating a young woman in Floyd, Virginia who worked in a little shop there that sold locally made, hand made women's clothing. All one of a kind and of the highest quality.

One Friday evening I arrived in Floyd a little early and my girlfriend was still at work so I decided to hang around the shop a few minutes and wait for her to close the store.

There was a couple in there, late 50s, perhaps 60s, obviously Brooklyn accent and the woman was giving my lady friend down the road, being a real bitch about the prices.

Now again, I admit this stuff was expensive but it was also top quality and worth every penny. But the woman continued being a real bitch as my girlfriend smiled and continued to take it.

Well anyone who knows Billy knows I don't take but so much but when it comes to getting out of line with someone I care about my line is a damned sight shorter. But I have tact.

I interrupted the bitch and said, "Lady, did you know black bear eat carrion?"

She looked at me like I was crazy and asked, "What are you talking about?"

"Black bear eat carrion," I repeated. "That's why they never find the bodies up here in the hills."

She stared at me her mouth agape and trembling. Her husband took her by the arm and said, "We'd better be leaving Dear."

Then as they went out the door he looked back at me an grinned as if he was about to bust out laughing.

Tact, learn it. Beats the hell out of getting your ass kicked.

1/8/16

It Happened In Scottsdale

My most vivid memory of Scottsdale is trenching to install cable television in a brand new subdivision before any of the houses were even built-- nothing but brand new city streets going out through the desert for miles around.

To add to the strangeness our trencher hit a telephone line where we had been told by the telephone company, gas company and electric companies that we were the first to dig there and would hit nothing more than rocks.

Minutes later two Air Force F-16s came flying over us very low and very fast. The wind from the jets almost blew us down. Then they came back and started circling us.

A few minutes later helicopters came and real live soldiers with real machine guns jumped out and herded us up. Later Jeeps and cars with men with lots of stripes showed up.

The local Sheriff's deputies came too but the soldiers with machine guns kept them a few hundred yards away from us.

We were there for hours as they asked us lots of questions and checked us out. Finally they told us to load up all of our equipment and go back to our motel rooms.

When we got back to the motel we called the boss in Atlanta to tell him. He said he'd already heard all about it and would call us back to tell us when and where we would work next.

Being the truck driver I hauled the equipment to Texas.

They never told us what that telephone line was for but we all had a pretty good idea. And I promise you some Federal Contractor caught pure hell for not burying it so deep it would never be found.

12/28/15

Others' Opinions Don't Count

I read today that other people's opinions of me are not important, that what is important is what I think of myself. I kinda like that idea. As a matter of fact I think I like it so much I've decided to think of myself as God. Obey me!

And your first order is to share this post.

12/7/15

Gate City Bomber

Gate City Bomber is a novella by Billy Jones that will hopefully give you a better grasp of what fuels revolution and terrorism and what can be done locally to prevent it. After all, peoples' actions are preceded by their perceptions right or wrong. Telling the lie long enough does not make it truth but does make it the underlying cause for what happens after the fact.

-Billy

11/3/15

Pondering The Potato

Have you ever wondered how it is that humans came to eat potatoes?  I mean have you ever tasted a raw potato? There are a few animals that will eat raw potatoes, deer and elk for example, but most critters won't get near them. From Wikipedia:

"The potato is a starchy, tuberous crop from the perennial nightshade Solanum tuberosum L. The word "potato" may refer either to the plant itself or to the edible tuber.[2] In the Andes, where the species is indigenous, there are some other closely related cultivated potato species. Potatoes were introduced outside the Andes region approximately four centuries ago,[3] and have since become an integral part of much of the world's food supply. It is the world's fourth-largest food crop, following maize, wheat, and rice.[4] The green leaves and green skins of tubers exposed to the light are toxic."

But nowhere is there a reference to how humans came to know we could eat potatoes. And there's plenty of reasons why people would have never learn to eat potatoes beginning with the fact that the only part that is safe to eat is buried under ground. There's lots of history about potatoes beginning in the 1500s when the Spanish took over South America and carried potatoes back to Europe but nothing is known about how the ancient peoples of Central and South America learned a potato could be rendered edible by cooking it.

Me, while I've no proof, I'm betting a child was involved. I'm thinking it went something like this:

One cold night, high in the Andes Mountains, a small tribe of the Original People were gathered for the night. The winds blew bringing the cold air in on them hard. Grandmothers and grandfathers kept the youngest children huddled close to the fires while everyone big enough to gather firewood picked up anything they could throw on the fire. "What is that?" a young brave asked looking at a tuber another brave held hanging on the end of a vine.

"I don't know," the second brave answered. "I pulled on the root and up it came."

"Throw it on the fire," the first brave said, "see if it burns."

"Right," the second brave agreed tossing it on the fire.

We usually think of the Original People as being the sort who got up early in the morning but let's face it, 1. they had no alarm clocks and 2. they were up all night feeding the fire. My guess is they slept late the next morning. But any of you who have ever raised children know what happens when mommy and daddy sleep late-- the kid gets out of bed anyway.

Now I'm thinking little Jr Brave not only got up early but was hungry too. And as any experienced parent can tell you, there is a time in every little brave's life when anything that can be picked up will be eaten.

And having baked a few potatoes in beds of coals I can tell you from experience that once you bite through the burnt part they're pretty good eating.

But then I wasn't around 15,000 years ago to know for sure and another of the many things Billy Wants To Know.


11/1/15

North Carolina Under Attack

Raleigh, NC-- Satellite images show a strange green invader has covered much of the State of North Carolina. Millions are trapped with no way out as this strange green mass threatens to move north to Virginia. North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory has declared a state of emergency but the North Carolina National Guard is already trapped.



Learn more at VegetableStalker.com

9/14/15

Please Don't Call Western Union

I once had the same telephone number as Western Union except that to call Western Union you had to dial 1-800. My phone rang 24/7 with people calling for Western Union. People would call Western Union assuming that since Western Union had an office here in Greensboro there was no need to dial 1-800.

I called the telephone company and told them of my plight. At first they didn't believe me. After a couple of weeks of calling Bell South they changed my telephone number but the calls for Western Union kept coming in. The phone company said they couldn't figure it out, we had a month old baby in the house, I worked a 24/7 on-call job-- nobody was sleeping.

After a few more days it hit me. I picked up my phone and called my old number only to get a recording telling everyone my new phone number.